Anti-Tourism Board Detected on Island
(Please note the date this story was published. LOL. We love April Fool's Day!)
"Why? Because we can!" said one member of the Anti-Tourism Board (ATB), who agreed to speak with the Current "on background" (that's fancy journalism talk for "anonymously.")
The conniving cabal wants to keep Ocracoke a well-kept secret, and "if we're going to be in the news, it should be some stuff that drives people away," said the ATB member, who named several successful projects they're working on:
- Creating havoc with the ferry schedules: Hate the long waits at Hatteras? The long route? The frequent sound ferry cancellations? The constant need for dredging? You're not alone. The Anti-Tourism Board has been working on that project that for years. "Undermining the ferry service is our greatest achievement to date," the board member told us.
- Great white sharks: All those pings you see online with sharks swimming in our waters? The Anti-Tourism Board did that. "Hell, some of those tags are on animatronic sharks," the board member said. "They don't even have to be real to scare people away."
- All the Park Service rules you don't like: "We struggled for years on some of these. The new one-shell rule is some our best work."
- People who yell "BRIDGE!" every time there's a problem with the ferries: "That's us, too! LOL," cackled the ATB member. "Getting people to argue about something that will never happen deflects from the stuff we're doing in the shadows."
- Chainlink fences: "Hands down, one of my favorites."
- Off-island, non-resident ownership of island businesses: "Welcome to Corporate-coke!"
- The 9pm food desert: "Speaks for itself."
- The Pub closes for the winter: "Pure genius."
- Affordable housing crisis: "Nailed it. Less affordable housing means understaffed businesses that can't serve as many customers and overworked employees who still can't make rent."
- Safety concerns: "We put out a safety guide that shows someone literally losing their head in an accident!"
- Lackluster promotion of the island: "Look, with all the best creative minds working day and night to make Ocracoke less attractive and hospitable, you're not going to have much energy going the other way. We've infiltrated everywhere to make sure anyone with a good idea is vilified, ignored, or ridiculed."
The ATB member would neither confirm nor deny responsibility for golf carts, feral cats, or trams.
