Competition for Craziest Cat Lady Heats Up
The 2013 champ, Felicity Gage, is proud to wear the mantle, and also earned the distinction of hosting the Ocracats booth at the Ocrafolk Festival. "One of the many reasons to love Ocracoke is the vast number of animal lovers who live here. This is not an easy competition to win, and I'm just pleased to be recognized as someone with a deep connection to cats," said Felicity. "They inform us about our lives on a spiritual level."
The criteria for the crown are rigorous. The volume of litter purchased in the previous calendar year, as tracked by The Variety Store, and the number of cat photos posted on social media, as tracked by three federal agencies--to prevent redundancies--, are assessed. The prize package includes a stipend to purchase cat food and a new wardrobe of natural fibers reclaimed from sofas. The tiara is made from the talons of humanely de-clawed felines.
Part time resident Susan Dodd won the inaugural competition, in 2012. "It was surprising, and a huge honor, obviously," she said. The judges said her personal style, warrior heart, and innate dignity put her on the top ledge.
"If I were a cat, which I am, I would look at Susan and think she is as badass as I am," said one of the judges. "I want to doze in a warm patch of sunshine with her and gaze droopy-eyed at passersby, like John Lennon and Yoko Ono."
While it is impossible to read the judges minds, early rumors have it that Frank Brown is a strong contender in 2014.
"Look. I feed some of that cat food to the turtles, so the statistics are skewed, like they always are," said Frank. "Hey. I'm going to tell you what I think. Being the first man to be the Crazy Cat Lady, I'd like that. I'd be in excellent company."
When pressed, Frank recognized that his aptitude with sarcasm may not be appreciated by the judges, and also expressed his concern that "Andrew Stern is a real threat."
Anyone who visits the post office on a regular basis shall be considered a contender, according to the judges' guidelines, which they wrote when not assiduously cleaning the gritty boogers from their eyes. "The longer I spend on Ocracoke, the more at home I feel," said a visitor, who also claimed that prolonged exposure to cats is harmless.
Cats are indolent, suspicious, and fiercely independent, concluded a study by the Ankara Institute. "They actually have a lot in common with Ocracokers," said a research fellow. The cat doesn't need you to care for it, but will permit it.
"It used to be, the wild cats just ate what they could catch, living out on the beach. You'd see 'em sometimes, but there weren't many of 'em. When the park service started trapping the cats, the raccoons came in. Now some of those hippies pay good money to feed those sorry cats. That's their choice," said a resident with a long memory.
The judges are not opposed to the idea of being fed, having the underside of their chins' stroked, and then walking away as if they don't know you at all.
In the April 2 edition we'll talk to dog owners who voluntarily clean up after their pets.
