Fake It 'til You Make It

August is long and hot, not always in the good way. Everyone has a different set of skills to negotiate the torpor and stupor of the high season. 

These are the tricks that work for me. It's possible I'm just venting. Tourists, you've been warned. Stop reading NOW. This is for the servers, or as one charmer with an imperfect command of English once put it to me, the "servants."

Smile.

This actually works.  It relaxes your facial muscles.  The tedious becomes humdrum, and the maddening becomes amusing.  Seriously, smile.  Suck in a deep breath and show some gums.

Stare 'Em Down.

Use the silent force of your sincere amazement.  Alternatively, cock your head to one side and say, "You want me to do what, exactly?"

Just Say No.

No, I can't promise you'll be seated at the very moment you walk in the door.  No, I don't have a window/outdoor/balcony seat with a sweeping view of the ocean/harbor/sound for you.  

Just chill, ay, tranquilo, you're on vacation.   Just.  Chill.  But not inside, in the a.c.  The waiting area is outside.   No, bug spray is not included.

Be Nice to the Kitchen.

Every great now and again, offer them a large, cold drink.  It's hot in there.  It's the kitchen.  After buttering up the cooks, demand to know when table 13's food will be ready.  If they give you any attitude, whether real or perceived, curse at them in a language you barely know, or made up on the fly, and stride away indignant, preferably a click or two before the kitchen plates table 13's food. 

This is why the kitchen loves you.

Do Unto Others.

Some people are on vacation.  Splotchy, insect-ravaged needholes with moronic tattoos and bizarre manners are just like us.  When we're on vacation.  Forgive.  Jesus did.  

Ignore Foreign Tables.

They actually consider this better service.  Which is cool.  If foreign tourists are sophisticated enough to know to tip 20%, you'll still get 20%.  Otherwise, it's just a waste of your time.  

Classic win-win, for you, the harried server.

Holler.

August is loud, largely because everyone is bellowing at each other in an all-American attempt to prove what a bang-up time they're having.   There are times you'll have no choice but to enter the fray.  Belly up.

Have Humility.

We have miniscule windows into the lives of others, and things are not always as they appear.   Por ejemplo, there are plenty of successful people with limited reading skills.   The guy who has a hard time deciphering the menu probably doesn't need a notepad to remember that twelve-tops order.   The best tips can come from the most surprising places.

As if servers need more humbling.  

Stock the Sweet Tea.  

This is the nectar of the gods, refills are free, and gallons will be consumed.   It's pronounced "suh-Wheeat," with one and one half syllables.  Cheers, ya'll.

Ready the Ranch.

Yes, it's good on everything.  I just went ahead and brought it, because I knew you were going to ask. 

Call in Sick.

When you're not, obviously!  Do you deserve a full day at the beach or out on the water with no idea of the time?   You do.  Try to pick a day that won't leave your colleagues in a terrible lurch and result in the termination of your non-existent contract.  

Yes, you're disposable.  But in August, you're indispensable.

Be A Pro.

Especially to locals.  They're trying to have a nice meal out during their precious time off.  They don't want to hear you kvetch about the citizen who made sexist comments and then left a 5% tip.  That story is tired.

Take the order.  Serve the food. 

It'll all be over in five hours, give or take a few months.


Jenny is writing about herself in the third person.  Her food, ice cream, and beverage career began at the Trolley Stop Restaurant in 1986.  If she didn't enjoy waiting on tables and welcoming visitors to Ocracoke, she wouldn't do it, so she says.