Space Craft to Launch from Ocracoke

The recently de-classified NASA project, located in a subterranean bunker beneath the lifeguard beach parking lot, was completed over the winter of 2019-20. Engineers and crews concealed the complex construction project under a pile of debris, which Logistics Manager Glenn Shepard described as "almost as vast as the universe itself."

The spacecraft is intended to be launched only in times of "eXtreme disaster," said Shepard, adding, "I don't know why they spell it like that."

"Climate catastrophe, meteor strike, nuclear peril, supervolcanic eruptions, zombies, there are a lot of reasons humans may need to escape this planet," explained Space Scientist Sally Aldrin. "The government has been developing this for decades. The increase of malice, misery and idiocy in the world meant we were already discussing a launch, but this global pandemic made it a no-brainer," said Aldrin.

The Galactic is provisioned to support human life for 100 years. "Obviously, the materials for the spaceship itself and the incredible technology on board had to come over on the ferry, but we were able to get much of what we needed at firemart. They had supercomputers in Houston running equations for weeks to determine the right amount of Spam to send into space," said Shepard.

"The Galactic is the most sophisticated spacecraft ever built," boasts the NASA website. An Onboard Artificial Intelligence means it doesn't require any special skill to fly, or even to inhabit, and "it also succeeds at being pretty homey, especially considering the limitations of interstellar travel," said Aldrin. Phenomena known as Celestial Radiant Antimatter Plasma powers the craft, allowing it to travel to infinity. "And you don't even have to be a rocket scientist to know there is an endless amount of CRAP in the universe," said Aldrin.

The launch timetable, the restrictions on visiting Ocracoke, the ferry schedule, and the vital need to stay at home all contributed to NASA's decision to select the crew of the Galactic from residents of the island.

"NASA welcomes nominations for crew members who will be humanity's greatest hope," stated a press release issued April 1. The selected islanders will receive training, via Zoom, prior to liftoff. Astronautical experience is not a pre-requisite.

"We are counting on Ocracokers to let us know who their best and bravest are. The intrepid, the wise, the talented, those who might thrive during an eternal confinement amidst an ever-expanding and endless universe," said John Ride, who leads the Selection Team Recruiting Distant Universe Space Travelers. "STRDUST is open to everybody who is on the island, but obviously we want to avoid bores and blockheads, for the sake of everyone else on board. This is disqualifying for many of you, based on what I see on Facebook."

Ride urges residents to assess their skills and tolerance for black holes, asteroid fields, and solar radiation. "This is about who will shape the future. This is serious stuff. Please don't apply just because you're tired of being in your house."