Ocracoke Hotel Towers Above the Rest
The bad news is: it’s TRUMP!
Yes, it turns out The Donald has just added to his extensive real estate holdings by purchasing the waterfront property here on Ocracoke. One of the Ocracoke Current’s reporters was able to track him down on the campaign trail for an exclusive interview by telephone. Here’s the transcript:
O.C.— Mr. Trump, we understand this is a very busy time for you but why purchase property on Ocracoke and, of all times, why NOW?
Trump – Well you see, Toots (you don’t mind if I call you Toots?), as everybody knows, I’ve been grabbing headlines all over the world for the past few months – news media everywhere – EVERYWHERE have been featuring my stunning image and even more stunning comments. I mean, you would know, do I get more publicity than any human being on the earth? Everywhere, that is, except the Ocracoke. So this purchase was strategically timed to put my name in the local headlines. Also, with the current hysteria over global warming and rising sea levels, it’s a perfect time for those of us who don’t actually believe it’s happening to get some real waterfront bargains.
O.C. – You're not worried about global warming? Sea level rise? Or hurricanes?
Trump – I think there’s a change in weather. I am not a great believer in man-made climate change. I’m not a great believer. There is certainly a change in weather that goes – if you look, they had global cooling in the 1920s and now they have global warming, although now they don’t know if they have global warming. They call it all sorts of different things; now they’re using “extreme weather” I guess more than any other phrase. I am not a believer. Perhaps there’s a minor effect, but I’m not a big believer in man-made climate change.
O.C. – What, if any, changes do you plan to make to the property?
Trump – You bet your sweet patootie I’ve got plans! First of all, I’m going to tear down all the old buildings and replace them with a 50-story hotel.
O.C. – But are you aware of our 35-foot ordinance?
Trump - No problem there, sweetie pie! On my first day in the Oval Office I plan to fix that ordinance. And I’m, you know, I am that way when I build, I know how to build, I know how to get things done. All the rooms above the fifth floor will go for premium prices due to the waterfront view.
O.C. – What about the lower five floors? What’s wrong with their view?
Trump – They won’t be able to see over the wall.
O.C. – Wall?
Trump – Oh yes, snookums, I’m erecting a fifty-foot-high wall around the entire property! You seen all the Mexicans on this island? Can’t have them coming in! Some, I assume, are nice people, but...
O.C. – What about the Jolly Roger? Will it remain the same?
Trump - Sure, sweetie pie. More or less, anyway. That hillbilly singer will have to go, of course. I don’t like his politics, know what I mean? He doesn’t seem sincere enough in his hatred of Obama.
O.C. – But he really drew the crowds. Who’ll you get to replace him?
Trump – You’re talking to him, sweetie! There’s nobody on earth with a better voice than mine! And did I mention I’m very rich? And gorgeous looking! Everybody loves me!
O.C. – I wasn’t aware that you are a guitar player.
Trump – Actually I play banjo. The guitar’s neck is too wi–– I mean I’ve just always preferred the sound of the banjo.
O.C. – Do you plan to get involved with the day to day activities of the island?
Trump – Absolutely, absolutely! I’m going to start with the school’s sports teams. We’re going to WIN, you hear me? WIN! Trust me I have a plan. We’re going to make this island great again.
After the Trump interview, our fearless reporter was able to track down Ocracoke’s new Commissioner-elect, Tom Pahl, in his driveway.
O.C. – Tom, what do you have to say about Donald Trump’s recent purchase on Ocracoke?
Pahl – There goes the neighborhood!
O.C. – You appear to be packing all your belongings. Are you planning a trip?
Pahl – Damn straight! I’m hightailing it to Canada before they build a wall to keep us out!
