Homeland Security detained a suspected terrorist at the Hatteras ferry stacking lanes early last evening.
“To the untrained eye, the perp may have appeared to be a visitor on vacation,” said homeland security expert Bubba McNeal, who is responsible for safe passage on the Hatteras to Ocracoke route. “But luckily, my eyes are trained to sniff out Al-Qaeda operatives.”
What gave the suspect away?
He had a suspicious manner, a deep tan, and only wanted to know how to get to Ocracoke, but not how to leave, reported McNeal. Witnesses reported that the “visitor” was reluctant to show his driver’s license and give his name to the Homeland Security officer.
“He kept asking, ‘Why do I have to do this?’ and ‘Am I in trouble for something?’ and 'Do you have a good reason to collect this information?' and ‘Do you really think terrorists are going to attack a podunk ferry station in a third-rate state in an effort to take down the free world?’” reported a witness. (The witness wishes to remain anonymous, perhaps because he was wearing a t-shirt that showed a Rebel flag flying over the U.S Capitol building with the caption “I have a Dream.”)
“A guy with that kind of attitude is freakin’ scary,” added the witness. “And he doesn’t have the right kind of respect for this great country.”
“In my training I was taught to be suspicious of those who question authority during Homeland Security checks,” said McNeal. “Real Americans are totally compliant – they don’t ask questions, they don’t complain, they love us. If you love America, you know we’re here to protect you from the biggest threat to the North Carolina ferry system.”
McNeal mentioned that the NC ferries can chug along at speeds up to 10 knots per hour. If there is a terrorist incident on the ferry, he recommends taking cover in the bomb-proof restrooms, disarming the perp with a blast of fire extinguisher, or diving overboard.
“Imagine the damage that hijackers could do with that kind of vessel,” he said warningly. "As long as they stayed in the carefully marked channels, they could go for miles, back and forth, before being apprehended."
It was the suspect’s belligerent attitude that led to more questioning by McNeal.
“He asked me if I felt silly asking people to show their driver’s licenses to prove they aren’t terrorists. He said the 9.11 hijackers had Florida driver’s licenses,” McNeal said. “He kept asking me what I thought I could find out from that information.”
According to witnesses, the suspect asked McNeal if he was going to run his driver’s license and car tags to get more information, or if he was trained in the art of racial profiling or jiu jitsu. McNeal refused to answer, but continued to demand the suspect’s driver’s license, calling in reinforcement from a ferry captain to pry it from the suspect.
The suspect’s driver’s license showed that he lives in a different state from the one on his vehicle’s license plates.
“The suspect claims to have rented the car at the Norfolk airport,” said McNeal. “But we have not been able to confirm that.”
McNeal’s expert interrogation skills helped him discover that the suspect was on his way to meet other terrorists, who were already in place on Ocracoke.
The suspect claimed to be meeting friends, who had rented a vacation cottage for a week on the island.
“The cottage in question is located on Sunset Drive, which, as we all know, used to be called Ammunition Dump Road. It doesn’t take a lot of smarts to figure out what those guys were hoping to find,” said McNeal.
A quick call to the Ocracoke Homeland Security department led to the immediate detainment of the suspect’s “friends.”
“We regret that those other suspects got past Homeland Security and onto the island undetected,” McNeal said. “But my colleagues at Hatteras are pretty sure it was the Cedar Island yellow-shirts that let them through. We get so much more traffic coming through this ferry route that we’ve just had to have more training."
McNeal does not expect nor need any special attention from his heroic efforts last night.
"I just thank the good Lord that I was able to discover and detain this terrorist as a service to my country," he said.
This was the first detainment of suspected terrorists due to the presence of Homeland Security officers at the ferry landings. Despite years of apparent inaction, they have been busy with other concerns. They have confiscated personal property and contraband such as marijuana and non-pastuerized farm-fresh whole milk from cars – and they don't need a search warrant to do it.
Homeland Security is proud of their accomplishments.
"Don't you pay no attention to those folks in Colorado," McNeal said. "We all know that these potheads are a threat to our nation's freedoms."
As a result of McNeal’s fast action, the Homeland Security Threat Advisory Level at Hatteras Inlet has been raised from Yellow (Elevated: significant risk of terrorist attacks) to Red (Severe: Severe risk of terrorist attacks.) The sign has been changed accordingly.