ABC Store Down to One Bottle

The bottle, a 20-year-old Dun Lush Scotch, retails for $750,000. That price may seem steep, but ABC officials were quick to point out that according to its producers, it is aged in barrels made from the wood of Noah’s Ark and distilled from water mixed with unicorn tears. 

Explaining the new strategy, an ABC store employee, who did not wish to be named, noted: “Most businesses make a profit by selling a few high-end products and much larger quantities of lower-end products. That wasn’t really working for us, so we’re going to swing for the fences and try to sell just a single bottle over the next six months. I mean, why make 50-cent profit on thousands of bottles of Aristocrat when you can make tens of thousands of dollars of profit on one bottle of Dun Lush?”

When informed of the Ocracoke store’s plan, Pete Tippler, the Raleigh-based head of the ABC system, went into apoplectic shock and could not be reached for comment.