Recently Discovered Papers Shed Light on Historic Events
Recently Discovered
From the archives of a now defunct Pennsylvania newspaper
As one of the invited guests who attended the dedication of the new national cemetery, I wanted to offer my thoughts on Mr. Lincoln’s recent remarks. Four “snore” and too many minutes ago, is how this travesty of modern oratory should have begun. In the excruciating two minutes it took Mr. Lincoln to deliver his remark, I felt I relived the previous eighty seven years of American history as each painful second ticked by. From his ridiculous hat to the exaggerated gestures, the speech reeked of text book narcissism and lacked any sense of self-awareness. Apparently Lincoln believes himself to be the great conciliator, a man with unfathomable depths of empathy whose oratory alone will save us from killing each other in the cornfields dotting the fruited plain. You sir, are boring, slow talking, and are full of your own self-importance. Who will address those who died in their sleep waiting on you to finish your ruminations? Will you Mr. Lincoln? I can clearly say Mr. Lincoln; I will mark you and your Gettysburg Address: Return to Sender.
Jedidiah Hobbes
Critic at Large
Recently Discovered
From a now defunct London newspaper
As one of the audience members who witnessed Mr. William Shakespeare’s recent production of “Romeo and Juliet” I was struck with one overarching thought: this is worst play in this history of theatre, drama, and human communication. The tale of two love-struck Italian youth, vainly searching for the moment to copulate prior to marriage is little more than a window on life itself. If one wishes to see teenagers running away to mate or marry without parental approval, why not simply open the door and step into the rat infested streets of dear London? Who needs to listen to three hours of overwrought iambic pentameter about the consummation of one’s basest urges at a dysfunctional family costume party? I don’t. By Act V, I was asleep, one of the protagonists was dead, and the other one was about to die. What joy! The best thing about this tragedy is that it ended and I went home. Why couldn’t he have done this in Act IV and saved humanity the trouble? Come back when you start tackling the big issues, Mr. Shakespeare.
Sir Jedidiah Hobbes
Critic at Large
Recently Discovered
From a now defunct newspaper in Capernaum, Israel
As one of the audience members at the so called “Sermon on the Mount”, I prompted to ask the preacher, “Have you ever heard an amphitheatre?” The Romans, for all of their imperial tyranny, have made great strides in the field of acoustics. It’s possible to be in the back row, say in the large theatre in Caesarea, and not miss a single word of Aristophanes. Yet, this new preacher, made his entire audience, numbering nearly 5000 persons trudge up a large hill and most heard only bits and pieces of this three to four hour long sermon. In the hot sun, this ability of the human brain to focus diminishes even further. In short, it is difficult for me to review the material the preacher shared or comment with any degree of accuracy. As I am also recovering from food poisoning (he and his associates served unrefrigerated fish to everyone in the crowd), it will be sometime before I am out of bed. If you see the preacher, I tell him I need to be healed.
Judah ben Hobbes
Critic at Large
